


Just Give Me a Second, Darling, to Clear My Head

by Elthadriel



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Ultimate Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 22:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4366196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elthadriel/pseuds/Elthadriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kal knows that he is going to have to be the one to make the sacrifice, but he isn't even close to ready to leaving Zevran</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Give Me a Second, Darling, to Clear My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally one of the first fics I tried to write for this fandom, about five odd years ago now, which is sort of terrifying. It never happened but I got a sentence prompt on tumblr that fit this scene so I just sat down and did it. So, while this is unlikely to be one of my most popular fics, and I certainly don't think it's my best, I'm really glad I finally wrote it.
> 
> Also, Kal deserves only nice things and there is no justification to how horrible I am to him.

Kal had always been good at moving without being noticed but as he crept along to Leliana’s room, he couldn’t help but feel like he would be caught at every turn. He had felt like there were eyes on him from the moment the Landsmeet and started and even now they were back in Redcliff that feeling had yet to fade.

He pushed open the door without knocking, but closed it behind him loudly enough to thump shut. Leliana was sitting upright and reaching for a dagger before he could take another step into the room

“Kal?” She asked, confusion clear in her voice. She started lighting a candle as Kal moved to stand at the end of the bed, trailing his fingers of the sheets. 

“Can we talk?” He asked, tugging at the earring Zevran had given him, a new nervous habit to add to his already large collection. 

“Of course,” Leliana moved over in the bed and patted the space next to her. Kal sat down and drew his knees up to his chest. Not for the first time he felt far too young for any of this.

“If I tell you something do you swear not to tell anyone else?” While he didn’t look at her as he spoke he could feel her eyes on him.

“Kal, what’s wrong?” She placed her hand on his but he pulled it away. Her skin felt too hot against his

“I need you to promise, please.”

“I promise, Kal.” She sounded so worried that Kal felt guilty for bringing all this down on her. It was selfish to ask this of her but he had always relied too much on his friends, why should this be any different?

“I spoke with Riordan. He told Alistair and me why we need Grey Wardens to defeat the Blight. Only we can kill an Archdemon, something to do with the Darkspawn blood we take as part of the joining.” He wanted to get up and pace, get rid of some of his restless energy, but he also wanted to stay next to Leliana. He wrapped his arms around himself, gripping his shirt to keep himself relatively still.

“Then it’s good that we have three of you,” Leliana said, forcing brightness into her tone though Kal could hear she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Whoever does it will die,” he said blankly and for a second he thought he might laugh as hysteria bubbled in his gut. After everything he had already survived, the Blight back with his clan, the joining, everything they had faced since then, and it still wasn’t enough. He should have known something like this was coming.

“Kal…” Laliana breathed.

“I’m going to do it,” he said before she could interrupt. “Riordan says he will, but if he fails I’m going to.”

“You aren’t telling the others?” She realised and she brought a hand up to cover her mouth.

“No, I’m not,” Kal said. “Alistair agreed that it’s Warden information and shouldn’t be spread around so he won’t tell any of the others. He seems to be convinced Riordan will manage.

“Alistair is just going to let you do this?” This time when she took his hand he allowed it.

“Would you rather he died instead? I made him King remember?” A hysterical laugh finally escaped him. “I made him King. He has no experience, he never even wanted it, but I made him King anyway because I thought he seemed nicer than Anora. Leli, I’ve made so many mistakes. I have to do this right.” He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. She was crying silently. 

“There’s no other way?” She asked.

For a moment he considered telling her about Morrigan’s offer, but Morrigan had already left, there was no taking her way out even if he wanted to. Besides, he didn’t want any of the others to think she had only stood by them for her own means; she had been too good of a friend to him to leave that legacy for her. 

“None,” he said. This time he wouldn’t compromise.

Her arm went around his shoulder, and they clung to each other for a long time. Part of him wished to leave the moment like this; they could sit awhile and he could return to his room where Zevran was waiting for him. Only the thought of Zevran pushed him to bring up the reason he had come to Leliana in the first place.

“I need you to promise you won’t let Zevran do anything stupid after,” he said, and voice almost cracked at the thought of leaving Zevran alone. Last time Zevran had lost someone he had cared about he had taken an impossible contract with no intention of surviving it. Kal couldn’t be the cause of something like that. “I’d like him to have Pooch.”

Leliana sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve. When she spoke the tears could be heard in her voice. “What did he say when you told him all this?”

Kal said nothing and it only took a few seconds of silence for Lali to realise what that meant.

“You aren’t going to tell him.”

“No, I’m not.” Kal hated himself for it but he couldn’t look Zevran in the eye and tell him this.

“He deserves to know,” Leliana insisted and Kal flinched at her tone. He ripped himself from her grip and got to his feet. 

“You think I don’t know that?” He yelled; it was so much easier to be angry than sad. “But we have so little time left, I can’t have this hanging over us. I just can’t, Leli.” It wasn’t fair. He wanted more time, he wanted so much more time than they had, and it was so unfair he wanted to scream.

“He’ll never forgive you.” Leliana had never addressed him as coldly as she did then.

“Leli, if I tell him he’ll ask me not to.” Kal paused to take a deep shuddering breath. “And if he asked me not to I won’t.”

Leliana was on her feet and hugging him tightly before the first sob escaped him, her anger at seemingly forgotten in the face of his distress. He buried his face in her shoulder, crying into her shirt.

“Promise me you’ll look out for him, please. You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

“I promise,” she murmured in his hair.

“I’m really glad the Maker sent you to me.” 

She just gripped him tighter.

“You did a better job than you think,” she said as his tears started to dry and while he was grateful for her faith in him he didn’t believe her. 

He pulled away, finally. “I have to go, Zev’s waiting for me.”

She kissed his cheek, and made it to the door before she spoke again. “I won’t tell him, and I’ll look after him no matter what you choose but you should tell him.”

She was right of course, she always seemed to be.

He slipped out the door.

\---

He striped as soon as he was in his own room, a room he and Zevran had sharing despite the Arl’s giving Zevran his own. 

He climbed into bed beside Zevran who hummed happily and turned to face him, pulling Kal into a kiss that Kal assumed was intended to be seductive but mostly hit sleepy. There was comfort in the familiarity.

“You’re late,” Zevran said, “And I had such plans earlier, I had to do them without you.” 

Kal laughed and shoved Zevran playfully before resettling in his arms. “Go to sleep then, I’m sure I’ll manage without you,” Kal said grinning at Zevran in the darkness.

Zevran huffed and sat up to straddle Kal, kissing him more passionately. He sat back after a minute and cocked his head. 

“Are you all right, amor?” Zevran took one of Kal’s hands, threading their fingers together. “You seem out of sorts.”

Kal inhaled deeply and released.

He smirked. “Fine, just nervous about what comes next.”

“I think I can help with that,” the hand not holding Kal’s slipped low on Kal’s body, intent clear.

“Prove it,” Kal demanded, dragging Zevran back down into a kiss.

Leliana was right, Zevran deserved to know, that didn’t change the reality of the situation. Kal had to do this, and he couldn’t do it if Zevran knew. He wasn’t brave enough by half.


End file.
